How to speak to a loved one about their drinking

Navigating a conversation about a loved one’s drinking habits can feel like walking a tightrope. You care deeply about this person, and the last thing you want is for the discussion to end in defensiveness or hurt feelings. If you've ever felt like you don’t know where to start, you’re not alone. It’s a delicate dance, but one that can be done with compassion, empathy, and a bit of strategy.

1. Start With Self-Reflection: Centering the Conversation on You

Before diving into the conversation, take a moment to reflect on how their drinking impacts you. This isn’t about blame—it’s about clarity. When you approach the conversation, frame it around your feelings rather than making accusations or placing blame.

For example, instead of saying, “You drink too much,” try, “I feel worried when I see you drink so often because I care about your well-being.” This shift in language makes the discussion less about their behavior being ‘wrong’ and more about how it affects you emotionally. It’s a softer entry point that invites empathy rather than defensiveness.

2. Look for Green Light Moments: Timing Is Everything

Not every moment is the right moment to talk about something as sensitive as drinking. Look for what are called “green light moments”—those instances when your loved one seems open, calm, and emotionally available. Maybe it’s during a quiet morning over coffee, or perhaps after you’ve shared a positive experience together.

The key is to avoid bringing up the topic during or immediately after a drinking session. Alcohol can heighten emotions and impair judgment, making it harder for your loved one to fully engage in the conversation. Instead, wait for a time when you’re both sober and relaxed.

3. Keep the Conversation Open and Non-Judgmental

When you finally broach the subject, keep your tone as non-judgmental as possible. Remember, the goal isn’t to criticise or control their behaviour but to express concern and love. Avoid using labels like “alcoholic” or making broad statements like “You always do this” or “You never listen.” These can come off as attacks and immediately put your loved one on the defensive.

Instead, ask open-ended questions that encourage them to share their perspective. “How do you feel about your drinking?” or “Do you ever worry about how much you drink?” These questions can open up a dialogue rather than shutting it down.

4. Express Your Support and Offer Help

It’s crucial to let your loved one know that you’re coming from a place of support, not judgment. Reassure them that you’re there for them, no matter what. You might say something like, “I’m here for you, and I want to support you in any way I can.”

Offer specific ways you can help, whether it’s attending a support group together, finding resources, or simply being someone they can talk to. The important thing is that they know they’re not alone in this.

5. Know Where to Turn for Extra Support

If you’re feeling overwhelmed or unsure of how to help, remember that there are organisations designed to support people just like you. Two incredible charities, Adfam and Nacoa, offer resources, guidance, and a sense of community for those affected by a loved one’s drinking.

Adfam is a UK charity dedicated to supporting families and friends of people struggling with addiction. They offer a range of services, including local support groups, online resources, and advice on how to navigate the complexities of loving someone with a substance use problem. Adfam understands that addiction doesn’t just affect the individual—it impacts everyone around them, and their goal is to help you find the strength and tools to support your loved one while also taking care of yourself.

Nacoa (National Association for Children of Alcoholics) is another UK-based charity that focuses specifically on helping children and young people who have been affected by a parent’s drinking. Nacoa provides a free, confidential helpline, as well as a wealth of information and support resources. Whether you’re a child, teenager, or adult who grew up with a parent struggling with alcohol, Nacoa is there to listen and help you navigate your emotions and experiences.

Both Adfam and Nacoa emphasise that you’re not alone, and they can offer guidance on how to approach your loved one about their drinking, as well as how to cope with your own feelings during this challenging time.

6. Prepare for Different Outcomes

It’s important to be prepared for any outcome. Your loved one might be receptive and grateful, or they might react defensively or dismissively. Remember, this is just the beginning of a conversation, not the end. If they don’t respond well initially, give them space and time to process what you’ve said.

Revisit the conversation later if necessary, always coming from a place of love and concern. Sometimes, it takes several discussions for someone to fully grasp the impact of their drinking on themselves and those around them.

7. Take Care of Yourself, Too

Lastly, don’t forget to take care of yourself in this process. Supporting a loved one who struggles with drinking can be emotionally taxing. Make sure you have your own support system, whether it’s friends, a therapist, or a support group.

Remember that you can’t pour from an empty cup—taking care of your own emotional health is crucial in being able to support your loved one effectively.

Written by Millie Gooch

Millie is the Founder of Sober Girl Society and Author of The Sober Girl Society Handbook. You can find her on Instagram at @milliegooch