How to help a loved one struggling with alcohol
When your loved one is struggling with alcohol, you might find yourself feeling like you have to do something about it. Sometimes, it might even feel like it’s your responsibility to take care of them. You may find yourself doing any number of the following:
Noticing and counting their drinks when you’re together
Looking for bottles in the bin outside
Looking for signs that they have been drinking
Changing plans so that their drinking doesn’t impact other areas of your lives
Making excuses for them to their family, friends and work colleagues
Does this sound familiar to you? If so, let’s look at how you can support someone who is struggling with alcohol use.
Compassion, empathy and support
The first thing you can do is offer compassion - show concern for their suffering and a willingness to help. You can also be empathetic - try to understand what they are going through and how they may be feeling. Thirdly, you can offer support - be available to help them seek and undergo treatment, and support them throughout their recovery.
vs. enabling
On the other hand, a lot of people try to avoid the subject of AUD and alcohol use or pretend nothing is happening. They might lie on behalf of their loved one, give them money for alcohol, clean up after their mess. This kind of behaviour can creep into what we call “enabling". You might think you are helping, but you could actually be contributing to the worsening of the problem.
Knowing the difference between supporting and enabling is the first step in helping them.
Boundaries
Something you can absolutely do is set strict boundaries in order to protect yourself and others in the family. To do this, it's important to understand the difference between boundaries and control.
Having boundaries means establishing clear rules about what you will and will not endure regarding your partner's drinking, whereas having control means you try to take matters into your own hands.
Let me explain this in simpler terms. Control is when you say, “You can't drink tonight.” Boundaries are when you say, “I will not have a conversation with you if you've been drinking.” Do you notice the difference? In the first example, the power is in the hands of the other person because they can decide whether or not they will drink. In the second, you hold all the power - you will only have the conversation in the conditions that you established.
Boundaries aren't threats. Ultimatums rarely work on a person dealing with addiction. Boundaries establish what you are willing to accept. Whether they follow the rules or not is up to them.
Extra advice
- Educate yourself on AUD and addiction. You can only help your loved one if you understand the situation in which you are both in. Read, watch videos, talk with others who are going through the same thing.
- Have honest conversations about their behavior: don't let AUD become a taboo between the two of you. Talk about it openly, discuss their behaviors, the consequences, what's happening to their health, their career, your relationships.
- Talk to them about options for treatment: many people struggling with alcohol use don't have the courage or motivation to seek help. You can be a starting point by showing them the options for dealing with their AUD.
- Support them in their recovery: you can support them by providing motivation, by helping them make tough decisions (such as in-person treatment), by helping out financially, by driving them to meetings. Having AUD is lonely; recovery doesn't have to be.
It is a terrible thing to watch someone that you love suffer so I hope you find a way to help your loved one in their recovery. The road ahead will be difficult, but there's a silver lining. You will know what to do when the time comes. I trust you.
Written by Larissa Fernandes
Larissa Fernandes is the founder of YourSoberSelf. She writes about alcohol use disorder and recovery through the lens of lived experience, sharing what she has learned from more than a decade of sobriety. Follow her on TikTok, Instagram, Youtube and Substack.
